Regrets
by LadyElaide
Summary: Arthur depressed and full of regrets concerning his heart. Sad little fic where Arthur ends up with no one to love him.


SET IN SEASON 2 EPISODE 4: Arthurs conversation with Merlin in the forest before going off to save Gwen, completely changed to fit to the angst between our leading boys. THEN SET EIGHT YEARS LATER.

Regrets

'So you don't love me.' Merlin stated holding back most of his anger.

'No, I do.' Arthur sighed, why hadn't he of just shut his mouth the previous night, telling Merlin he loved him and then kissing him was not helping today's situation.

'But you just said you love Gwen, that you'd marry her.'

'No I didn't say that I wanted to marry her, just that I wouldn't be able to if I wanted to.'

'But you love Gwen.' Merlin angrily stated again.

'I can't be with you Merlin. I have feelings for Gwen so I'm focusing on her, she loves me just like you do.'

'Who do you love more?' chocking up, how could Arthur be saying these things.

'You, you are the one who owns my heart but what would the Kingdom think, what would the people think if I was with you.'

Merlin breathed before asking 'A sorcerer?'

Arthur had told him he knew about his secret last night and was completely fine with it, in fact he said it would come in handy one day.

'A man.' Arthur bit back. 'I must have an heir. I cannot jeopardise Camelot's future Kings for the sake of my heart.'

'And what about mine Arthur?'

'Can we talk about this some other time, we have to save Gwen.' Arthur gently ordered, ignoring the horrid question Merlin just asked.

'Fine.' Merlin answered with rage walking off ahead.

Though they never spoke of it again...

A year later Uther had died from grief of his ward Morgana, the girl who he had treated as his daughter had turned against him and joined forces with the sorcerers that would plot against Camelot. A few months after the death of his father Arthur had been crowned King. The day of his coronation held many events. It was not just the day Camelot received a new King but a Queen as well for Arthur proposed to Gwen at his coronation feast that night and while Arthur was celebrating a slim dark haired man slipped away in the middle of the feast, riding away on horseback. Set on never returning to Camelot again Merlin left.

Eight years later...

King Arthur was depressed. He sat on his throne having just finished today's requests from his people. Arthur was an amazing King who made his people happy but he was sad. He looked around him, joyful that he had made Camelot a better place where all people were welcome but at what expense. He had no heir as yet, let's just say he hadn't had many chances with Gwen of gallivanting with Sir Lancelot who he had officially knighted six years ago. His wife had been having an affair with one of his trusted knights for a while now. Arthur didn't know if they realised he knew but he didn't care. He knew the relationship between these two before Lancelot was knighted. The King had no feelings over what his Queen was doing he saw the love they shared for each other as much as the entire Kingdom did.

'Arthur' Gwen shook him lightly 'Arthur.'

Arthur blinked, 'What?'

'You were daydreaming.'

'So I was, were you saying anything?'

Gwen sighed, shaking her head at her husband's unawareness 'I was saying I've invited a guest to tomorrow night's feast.'

'Oh, who would that be?'

'Well as I was saying before you zoned out I think it would be fitting for Camelot to have court sorcerer like our neighbouring Kingdom Wessex, so I took the liberty in having someone tracked down and they've agreed to pay a visit.' Gwen told whilst walking out of the throne room.

'Well are you going to tell me who?' Arthur shouted out to her, he had known many sorcerers since becoming King and befriended many of them.

'No, you'll have to wait and see.' She called back.

The next day Arthur had been too busy to see the invited guest ride into the city so he was glad that the feast had started, in fact it had started an hour or so ago and still no visitor, that he had noticed anyway. As he examined the banquet hall he noticed Gwen talking to some man. Tall with long black hair down to his shoulders, well built but not to over built. He wore dark brown trousers and a well fitted blue shirt. As Arthur walked closer he could see that the man was pale with light blue eyes that matched his shirt; he was handsome.

'Gweneviere.' The King bowed his head. 'Is this your friend you were on about.'

'Yes it is.' She tried holding back her laugh. The man smiling shaking his head at the Queens amusement.

Arthur didn't know what was so funny 'What?'

'I didn't think I had changed that much over the last few years.' The man spoke, grinning.

Arthur immediately recognised the man's voice 'Merlin.' He quietly piped up, almost whispered.

'Yep.' He smiled and Arthur saw that sweet and adoring smile he remembered so well.

'You've changed.'

Merlin laughed 'Yeah, I uh kinda outgrew the neckerchief look.'

Arthur laughed and noticed that Gwen had left them and joined the company of the ladies of the court.

At that moment also Arthur noticed a blonde man holding two goblets filled with wine, he was walking over to him and Merlin.

'Here you go' the blonde man gave Merlin one of the goblets before putting his arm around Merlin's waist.

'Derek this is King Arthur, Arthur this is my partner Derek.'

'My lord' Derek bowed his head, Arthur being polite bowed his head in turn the word partner still ringing in his ears.

'So what have you been doing the last eight years?' Arthur made conversation.

'Well the first year I went back to Ealdor but my mother died that Christmas.' Merlin sighed, Derek held tighter to him and Arthur wished he was the one comforting Merlin the way Derek was. 'After that I roamed the Kingdoms for two years until I came across the large town of Dunbar by the Anwell mountains where I came across this one.' He nudged Derek playfully sending more imaginary knives into Arthurs chest. 'Anyway after falling for Derek and having no other place to go I settled in Dunbar. I've been living there with Derek for the past five years.'

'Derek come over here.' Sir Gawain called out to him.

'Go on, go play with your new friends.' Merlin teased. Derek kissed him on the cheek before heading off to Gawain and the group of knights.

'Anyway how have you been?' Merlin continued the conversation with his old friend.

'Over here.' Arthur motioned to the corner of the room where no one was stood. Merlin followed Arthur as they leant against the wall.

'I'm not happy Merlin, I've been depressed for a while though I haven't let on to anyone.'

'Have you been to see Gaius? He could sort something out for your depression.'

'Gaius retired years ago and has been living out his old age back in his village of Kendreague.'

Merlin smiled at the thought of his old mentor walking around a cottage with his books, stumbling about looking for that right volume.

'Besides I've been to our new physician and nothing has worked.'

'I'm sorry to hear that.'

'I'm sorry too. For all those years ago.'

'It's all in the past Arthur. We've both moved on.'

Arthur nodded though deep down he knew he hadn't moved on. Merlin always was the one and he had just gave it all the way, his pride as the Prince taking control that fateful day nine years ago in the woods.

'So has Gwen asked you about being my court sorcerer?'

'Yep.'

'And will you?' Arthur eagerly anticipated his friend's answer.

'Of course I will you prat.'

'I'll have you know I'm the King now, you can't call me that anymore.'

'Of course I can.' Merlin grinned playfully.

Arthur sighed, they hadn't changed a bit.

'Merlin, Gawain and the rest of the nights want us to go to the Dragons tavern, come on' Derek shouted out to his love, running towards him.

'I'll see you later then.' Merlin bid Arthur farewell.

'Yeah' Arthur nodded as he watched Merlin walk away arms wrapped around his lover, Derek whispering into his ear as they walked out of the banquet hall along with some of Camelot's knights.

'I'm sorry Merlin.' Arthur whispered to himself 'I should have never of chosen Gwen and now I still can't have you.' Arthur was devastated. 'I still love you Merlin' the King shut his eyes tightly trying to fight back the tears and old memories that were suddenly running through his mind that was full of regrets.


End file.
